


The last straw

by Lallaina



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Couch Cuddles, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:34:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27833113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lallaina/pseuds/Lallaina
Summary: Janus had a hard few weeks after the events of SvSR, running around trying to get Thomas a breather.The light sides don't seem to agree.Do not repost on any other site!
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Deceit & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton & Thomas Sanders
Comments: 10
Kudos: 79





	The last straw

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ive_never_read_fluff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/gifts).



> So this is set in a reality, where SvSR happened, but the light sides didn't learn anything from it.

Janus just woke up, and he already wanted to go back to sleep. He felt tired, and he could already feel the impending headache he would get, when he moved his head.

This was especially not great, because today he needed to talk to the others about Thomas’ next video – not like they invited him, but it had to be done, before they overload Thomas with tasks and responsibilities again.

His schedule has been way busier than he was used to before he revealed himself, now that he had the opportunity to directly influence Thomas’ decisions he needed to grab it. If he didn’t fight for his seat at the table now, who knows if he would ever have chance to change their opinion of him again.

So he was everywhere. He went to every brainstorming session with Logan and Roman, he went to every discussion on planning free time activities for Thomas’ friends with him and Patton, and every discussion about scheduling with Logan and Virgil, and he fought and fought and fought and fought with the ’light sides’ endlessly.

Roman wanted Thomas to make a movie, Logan wanted him to do more research into the topic of the next video, Patton wanted him to spend more time consoling his friend who lost her dog, and Virgil wanted him to check up on his family more.  
Janus just wanted some damn time for Thomas himself.

He didn’t think that would be this much of a pain in the scales.

So despite his exhaustion he struggled out of bed, and with a little more difficutly than usual snapped himself in his usual gloves and hat, drank a glass of water, and sinked out to the light side’s living room, where today’s discussion would be held.

’He cannot juggle with fire, for the last time, Roman, that is not safe!’ Oh, they already started, _how wonderful_.

’It would be such a banger, Apple Watcher, why do you have to shoot down all my ideas?’ Janus swore he could already feel his brain starting to go numb.

’It would be an impressive feat, but Thomas would have to practice rigorously with non-flaming batons first, and then start to train with fire after he mastered that…

’Or we could _not_ make him do something that takes 100+ hours to learn **and** add fire to make it even more _reasonable_ , for ONE video.’ cut in Janus with an eyeroll. That got everyone’s attention.

’Oh, hi Janus.’ Patton stuttered out with a small smile. Virgil just gave him a side-glare.

’Oh great! Now Harlie Dent is arrived to anchor my marvelous ship of ideas to the ocean floor too!’ That stung a little. It was always harder to shake off the insults when they were about his appearance. It’s not like he choose to have Thomas associate evil with snakes. And him with evil.

’How _astute_ , Roman, after all _why_ would I, the physical manifestation of Thomas’ self-preservation, want him to make a great video, which will feed and house him in the future?’

’That’s what I’m asking too! Why would you not want Thomas to make an exciting, grandiose, truly exceptional video?’ Roman pushed with a flaire of his hand. Janus’ patience was starting to wear _really_ thin.

’Maybe, if you would get your _sizeable head_ out of your _also_ sizeable posterior, you would notice, that your idea of literally juggling fire was not just stupid, but time-consuming, dangerous _AND stupid_. Suggest something that didn't sprung out of a clownphobe child's nighmare, and maybe I will _finally_ be able to support one of your ideas!’ The cutting remark made every motion stop in the light side’s living room, as every gaze fell on Janus.

And then Roman sputtered angrily ’Did you just say tha my butt is big?!’

’That’s your problem with his sentiment?’ Logan tilted his head and narrowed his eyes.

’No, but he was…’

’Now, now, kiddos, the idea of a new video made us all a little too excited, maybe we should take a step back, and calm down a little.’ Patton cut in softly, trying to deescalate the situation.

’Sorry Pat, but I don’t think this is excitement.’ glowered Virgil.

’No, this is annoyance! Since you started coming to our meetings, you always antagonize me every chance you get!’ Roman accused. Now Janus knew that things got away from him a little, and he would just have to take a step back, let the discourse calm down, and try to work Roman a little to get him to bend on some of those grand ideas.

But he was mentally exhausted, and his patience was hanging on its last few shreds.

’Oh, _Prince Charming_ knows big words too! How _impressive_!’ Janus sneered.

’Excuse you, I’m Thomas’ Creativity, I invented big words! It’s not my fault you’re not around to hear when I’m extremely clever!’ 

’Today your idea was to have Thomas _juggle with fire_! Clever is _not_ the word I would be using!’

’Maybe if you wouldn’t sabotage every one of my ideas, then I would be more inclined to share the cleverer ones too!’ Roman said aggressively. The atmosphere in the living room became tenser with every sentence, Virgil practically vibrated with tension.

’Maybe if you tried listening to me sometimes, I wouldn’t have to!’

’Maybe if you would do your job better and make yourself useful, we would listen to you more!’ Virgil hissed.

Janus suddenly felt like his chest was being squeezed by the Dragon Witch. Years and years of his doubts about his function, about the purpose of his role, his life, came back. The doubts only Virgil and Remus could quiet down on those dark, silent nights huddled close under the blankets. The doubts Virgil knew that hurt him most.

At least Virgil achieved one goal; Janus wasn’t angry anymore. He suddenly felt very empty.

So without looking up, he sinked out of the living room.

He didn’t see Virgil’s desperate expression.

-

An hour later Janus sat on his bed with red-rimmed eyes, his hat and gloves before him on the floor, feeling like a bulldozer went over him. He was tired before the fight, now he was at the end of his rope. To get the others to bend anything to him in the decisions in the last few weeks exhausted all his mental and emotional energy. To keep up his cool, indifferent facade took even more out of him.

Virgil kicking him when he already felt down was just the last straw.

He knew Thomas needed him. He knew the other sides couldn’t see the cracks in Thomas’ mood, his momentum. He needed Janus to reign the light sides in, so he wouldn’t take too many responsibilities on himself again, just to have another breakdown.  
He knew Thomas needed him, but he didn’t know if he could be there for Thomas anymore.

He was so damn exhausted.

And then there was a knock on the door.

It was probably just Remus, nothing to worry about! He didn’t want his company right now – Re was a great many things, nice and fiercely protective, but attentive wasn’t one of them. He wanted to be alone. But it was okay, it is was just Remus, he was sure.

There was a hesitant knock again. That’s still not how Remus knocks.

’Janus, are you in there, kiddo?’

Janus felt his stomach seize up.

He couldn’t deal with another fight, not after today, not after the last few weeks of constant battling.

’Janus, please open the door.’ Great, Logan is here too. Maybe they brought the whole team to gang up on him again, because they didn’t do that outside of his room enough.

’Maybe he’s not here? He could be anywhere in the subconscious, maybe he went for a walk?’ Roman said.

’No, he’s in there’. Virgil mumbled. ’Janus, please, just… open the door. We wanna talk.’ Virgil knew Janus wouldn’t go wandering outside when he was upset. His room was his only safe spot, the only place he didn’t have to pretend to be strong and confident all the time. It was no use staying silent if Virgil was there with them, they wouldn’t leave him alone if they knew he was in his room.

’Leave.’

’Hi, kiddo! I’m sorry that we are intruding on your leisure time, but we really need to talk to you. Would you mind coming out for us?’ Patton asked with hope.

’Go away.’ Janus didn’t even have the energy to snark back at them.

’Jan, I’m… I’m sorry for what I said in the living room. You are trying your best according to your function, and I shouldn’t have said that you are not good at your job. It’s not your fault that your function is not best suited to Thomas’ needs right now...’  
Janus was at the door tearing it open before Virgil could finish the sentence.

’Is that what you think this is?! That my goal is to hinder Thomas?! Is that all you saw in the last weeks?!’ He didn’t remember ever being this angry. Not when he was thrown into the dark, cold hellscape that the subconscious was, not when they had their fallout with Virgil, not when Roman decided going to the wedding would be the better choice for Thomas. Those times were always tinged with something else. Sadness, hurt, desperation. Unlike then, now there was only pure outrage.

How can the ’light sides’ be this blind? Everything he ever did was for Thomas! They were running him dry, and didn’t even notice!

’You are…! Looks like all the light in the consciousness made you all blind! You are running Thomas dry, and then blame me when I try to give him the time to heal a little! Do you have any idea how much you demand from Thomas?! You are giving him more work, making him put hours and hours into endeavors that could be perfectly circumvented, making him spend time and energy on friends and family that he DOESN’T HAVE just to feel like a decent person! And then you dare come to my door, with a supposed apology, and say that I’M the one who is bad for him?!’ He shouted. The others looked shocked from his outburst, not even Virgil saw him lose his composure so completely.

Logan was the first to recover. ’I know that Thomas’ sleeping schedule is not ideal, we are working on that, but this doesn’t mean that he is not well. He takes enough time for eating healtier meals, and…’

’Do you know why Thomas won’t go to bed in time?’ Janus cut in forcefully.

’No, I wouldn’t say I do.’ Logan said with a little pause.

’Because he doesn’t feel in control of his life anymore. There is only one timeslot on his schedule that you didn’t pack full to bursting, and that is his sleeping time. So that is the only time he can use to do something he enjoys.’ Janus said bitterly.

’But Thomas enjoys his work, and spending time with his friends!’ Patton protested.

’Yeah, but those can also be energy consuming.’ Virgil said, and his eyes went wide.

’YES! He likes to hang out with his friends, but he also needs time for just himself! Thomas needs balance, and you are not giving him any time for that!!’ Now that he shouted himself out, and Virgil started to get it, Janus’ anger began to seep out of him, the exhaustion creeping back.

’Oh. It… It looks like I didn’t account for all the… variables in the schedule planning.’ Logan stuttered looking down. Roman’s posture dropped, his eyebrows crinkled while he looked before himself, and Patton softly gasped in his hand.

’And we made fun of you for it. You saw the signs, and tried to warn us, but we didn’t believe you.’ Virgil mumbled with wide eyes.

’But! But first we didn’ believe you, but if you wouldn’t have been against us all the time, always sneering, then we would have gotten it!’ Roman looked up with a downturned mouth.

’And how would I have known that? I only knew that you never listened to me before, and I always had to fight tooth and nail to get any of you to budge on anything! I… I can’t…’ Janus couldn’t hold back his tears anymore, he started to sob. He tried to escape, go back to his room and slam the door behind him, but Virgil was by his side a moment later.

’Oh Jan, I’m so sorry!’ And he hugged Janus catching him off guard.

’I’m so sorry kiddo, we will listen better from now on!’ And Patton was there wrapping both of them up in his arms.

’I’m sorry that I pushed Thomas so hard, and for being a jerk to you!’ Roman added himself to the hug pile.

’I am also very sorry that I did not account for your input in the decision-making process. That was clearly a poor judgement on my part, one I do not intend to commit again.’ Logan adjusted his tie uncomfortably before Patton caught his arm and pulled him into the group hug.

After a while Janus’ sobs quieted down, and then Virgil softly offered, ’Could we move this to the living room? It’s warmer there, and if Janus wants we could even watch a movie.’ Virgil raised his eyebrow with a soft face, and Janus nodded.

They sinked out and reapperead in the light side’s living room, and everybody snapped themselves into their onsies, except for Janus.

’Can I…?’ Asked Roman hesitantly. Janus wasn’t sure what he meant, but he was too tired to ask, so he just nodded his head. Roman didn’t look like he wanted to do something bad anyway.

And then he snapped, and Janus was suddenly in the softest, warmest clothes he ever touched. In an adorable snake onsie. It had a hood that looked like a snake’s head with two forked tongues! It was the sweetest thing Janus has ever seen beside his snake plushie that Virgil made for him ages ago.

’Is this okay?’ Roman asked bashfully.

’I… Yes, it’s perfect.’ Janus paused. ’Thank you, Roman.’ He added softly.

’You got it, Snakethoven!’ Roman beamed, but his smile disappeared just as fast as it came when he saw Janus flinching back. ’Oh uh, is everything…?’

’I don’t… no nicknames, please?’ Janus mumbled going red.

’Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t… I thought it was just friendly banter! I’m sorry, no nicknames, Janus, I promise.’ Roman said hastily, his hands defensively in the air. And for some reason, Janus already felt a little better, and maybe, just maybe, a little lighter too.

’The couch is ready.’ Virgil said after throwing the last armful of blankets on it. It looked like he collected all the blankets and pillows in the consciousness to throw into a moutain of softness on the couch.

Janus never wanted to jump into something more.

’The snacks are here too!’ Patton smiled with a tray of food and drinks in tow and Logan bringing a similar one in his heels.

’Then lets cuddle!’ And with Roman’s exclamation Janus shortly found himself in the middle of a cuddle pile between Virgil and Patton, Logan staying on the edge to be able to pull away if it got overwhelming for him.

Janus felt himself slowly melting under the warm and soft touch of the other sides, and after the first movie he was finally entirely relaxed. But he felt he needed to address something, before his tiredness would inevitably pull him under for his first restful sleep in weeks.

’I’m sorry that I insulted you guys’. Janus mumbled already half-asleep. ’I’ll try to be nicer in the future.’

’We will have a discussion about this tomorrow.’ Logan nodded, and with a sigh he continued. ’We need to talk abot how to include you more in our conversations, and how to make the communication more effective between all of us. I believe that would serve us well.’ He finished with a small upturn of his mouth.

’Sleep, Jan, we’ll talk tomorrow.’ Virgil supplied.

And Janus has – for the first time in his existence – felt like he will be listened to, and be able to really help tomorrow, and a small smile apperead on his face.

As he drifted off to sleep he thought he could hardly be happier.

**Author's Note:**

> Big shoutout for Ive_never_read_fluff for inspiring me to write this fic, without you I probably never would have started writing <3  
> This is my first fic, any constructive criticism is very welcome, be it about pacing, wording, or just an overlooked typo.  
> Thank you for reading!


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